I’ve never been accused of being an exceptionally social person. Living and practicing in a small town, I am keenly aware of the fact that wherever I go, I am likely to run into my patients, their families, or people who know (of) me because of my profession. I don’t like to stand out in how I dress, the car I drive, my home, or even the company I keep. In fact, I was accused by my daughter of using the current COVID-19 pandemic as an excuse to be “antisocial.” That is why some of my emotions during the past four months have been especially difficult for me to understand and interpret. From discussion with other physicians and reading what they have written in other blogs, it appears I am not alone in these feelings.
Very early in this pandemic, my physician wife and I both sat down with our college-aged son and daughter and explained our expectations with regards to avoidance of crowds, isolation, and behaviors. This was intended to limit the risk of them contracting the virus and spreading it to us, which would be putting our patients, coworkers, and their families at risk. Furthermore, we explained our concern that our profession puts us, and by default, them, at higher risk for the illness. We did not want to expose others in the community to that risk. After this discussion, the first 1-2 weeks were somewhat difficult with requests (followed by denials) for permission from us to perform particular activities. However, I am very proud of my kids because after the initial 2 weeks, they stopped asking and self-isolated as would be expected for two responsible, intelligent, and considerate adults.
As the weeks turned into months, I have to admit that my feelings became conflicted, and not just for the actions of my children, but also for those of my wife and myself. As I looked around, I saw not only my kid’s generation, but also tmy generation failing to follow the prescribed guidelines intended to keep the number of infections in our country to a minimum. Everywhere I looked, it appeared that life went on for many largely unchanged with frequent group gatherings, travel, and activities as usual. My pride in my children’s responsibility for self-policing changed to guilt. I felt that by virtue of my profession, I had passed on yet another “burden” to them, akin to that which they grew up experiencing with two physician parents. Then, it meant that we would be absent from school events due to work. Now, this burden means they are restricted in the everyday activities that give their lives meaning.
My feelings of guilt have further increased as time has passed. My wife and I continue to put off travel to see our aging parents and our siblings and their families. Our profession’s daily reminders of the fragility of life only serve to accentuate the feeling that we are losing valuable time with those we love. As feelings of optimism over the loosening of some of the restrictions in our country start to dwindle with the concerns of increasing new cases (and re-institution of restrictions), I find myself vacillating between my desire to allow an increase in my family’s interactions with our loved ones and what I think I know to be the right choice medically for the safety of my patients. As my cognitive dissonance increased, I think of how I have already given so much to my profession for the benefit of my patients. I hear similar sentiments form colleagues. They, too, have perceived that only those in the medical field are truly following guidelines as well as the feeling that their families have been “shunned” by non-physician families in the community due to fear of exposure to the virus.
As I plan yet another summer weekend “alone” at home with my family, my attention turns to my wife and daughter pointing out the pictures on social media of the party that one of our local schools held last night for graduating seniors. As I glance at our local newspaper, a listing on one side shows the little league baseball games to attend this weekend alongside the news article about the mandatory re-shutdown of bars and restaurants and the mandate for wearing a mask at all times in public. My wife announces she is going to the fabric store for additional supplies to continue her new hobby of making finely constructed masks that her detailed research has allowed her to create comfortable (yet stylish) masks with the filtering capacity of an N95. I’m still conflicted.
